Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.