Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.