Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.