Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

#Caturday

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

Finally

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what