Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.