Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

new shirt idea

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.