OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
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In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.