Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
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My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?