Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me đ©
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Iâve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said âI didnât know you liked oldies!â
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. Iâm going back to bed
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Plot twist. Heâs actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said Iâd love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying ânevermind, anyone whoâs under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??â We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
iâm not talking about you barbara youâre super cool.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-canât think straight
-iâm exhausted
-3 people are dead
If anyone deserves an Oscar, itâs me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know Iâm going to use Google Maps regardless
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
my bf just said âyouâre one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes onâ ummmmmm⊠im sorry⊠ONE OF!!??!?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Weâre not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because theyâre a distraction, but so far no oneâs realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.