Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet