Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty