OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
You Might Also Like
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
welcome back
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
“I wouldn’t.”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Y’all ready for this
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money