OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
You Might Also Like
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Teach your children to beatbox
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
as is their right
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Still my favourite meme.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
What’s the point buying it then?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much