OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
You Might Also Like
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!