OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat