Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]