“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
that wasn’t the question
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
She might be a genius
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Holy shit he’s back
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.