Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.