“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
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[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
smh
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.