OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
You Might Also Like
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My dad is at it again
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Solving a traffic jam
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Just a bush.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.