Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
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Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!