OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
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Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
making my dog give me my pills
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
we’re gonna need another temp
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me