Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500