OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
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What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”