Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…