omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
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Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
thanks auntie mary
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Well, that should do it
uh oh
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?