omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
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Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Cold.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”