OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
