@nameshiv

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

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@RandiLawson

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

@IamJackBoot

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

@ch000ch

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

@PJTLynch

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

@theSolemnBard

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

@Mr_Kapowski

Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal

@BangMyBongo

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

@Pro_Jones_

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

@UnFitz

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee