OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
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I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.