Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Did I do this right

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu