OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
S/o to @funTweeters .
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
