OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …