WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
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guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys