OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
By Kate Hatos
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.