OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I used the label maker
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?