OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
