You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
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Sorry I made promises on Friday
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.