OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
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Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
What happened to the other hiker??!
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!