Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

rich people when they have to pay taxes

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.