OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
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Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
HELP 😭
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”