OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
got so much cardio in today
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My favorite type of men is ramen.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah