Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza