“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.