Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

hackers play passwordle

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…