OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger