OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that鈥檚 Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it鈥檚 short for Michael
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don鈥檛 want to go to
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2痰0痰1痰0痰 痰2痰0痰1痰1痰 痰2痰0痰1痰2痰 痰2痰0痰1痰3痰 痰2痰0痰1痰4痰 痰2痰0痰1痰5痰 痰2痰0痰1痰6痰 痰2痰0痰1痰7痰 痰2痰0痰1痰8痰 痰2痰0痰1痰9痰 痰2痰0痰2痰0痰 痰2痰0痰2痰1痰 痰2痰0痰2痰2痰 痰2痰0痰2痰3痰 2024
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can鈥檛 do this anymore. I鈥檓 going to haunt a different house.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
#TopTip
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 馃檨
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour鈥檚 9 year old lad.
I鈥檝e had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I鈥檓 36 years old.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I wish other people my age weren鈥檛 so old.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.