omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
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My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.