omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
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10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Nice try Hitler
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.