Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.