Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.