Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

May never get over this

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

middle school in the ’90s

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.