omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
You Might Also Like
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.