omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
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I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.