Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.