Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

how do y’all walk in shallow water

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath