Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.