Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!
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me: *seeing the Statue of Liberty* oh my god
apes: *smiling* yes, as you can see, we have taken over the ea-
me: we got one of those on my planet!!! it’s called earth and it’s where I’m from!!!
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Manager: You’re fired.
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.