Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!

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I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.


“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.


You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter


Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy


I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..

But on the other hand..

I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.

-Drunk me at a zoo


My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.


Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.


Tell me I’m beautiful

“You’re beautiful”

Tell me I’m a genius

“You’re a genius”

Tell m-

“Just give me the toilet paper, please”