So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!
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If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Someone in Russia doesn’t like cyclists.
Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.