@PeachesMcPeach

Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!

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@daemonic3

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

@DannyZuker

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

@GuyBreakup

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

@divergentmama

Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.

@Cheeseboy22

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

@krisv_723

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

@TweetPotato314

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

@TheSharona06

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.