Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.