“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
You Might Also Like
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”