“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
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🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.