omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
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i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
dril cadence
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
