Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.