“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
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[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Holy crap this is wonderful
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Your honor these allegations are
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.