“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that