Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.