OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
