OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo