OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.