Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!