Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.