omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Wednesday
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out