omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
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I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.