Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

That eye roll….

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.