Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
You Might Also Like
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
No laws when master is gone
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Ferrari squats
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.