Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
You Might Also Like
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!