Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
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Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.