Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
But that’s none of my business
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
can’t bark with your mouth full
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!