“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
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In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.